You’re married. You’re thrilled. You’re so happy! Then life happens and the dishes start piling up, the laundry doesn’t get put away, your schedules rarely line up for date nights, the kids demand your energy. And your spouse gets pushed to the back burner, not because you don’t love them, but because you’re so used to them being there, you don’t need to worry about them. Then it becomes your new normal to go through life prioritizing other things and you wake up one day and don’t really know the person you’re married to.
Y’all I get it! I understand the burnout. It seems like something else is always more important. We are married to human beings. Those humans have their own emotions, their own stressers, their own “lists”. And sometimes our “lists” don’t match up. If you want your marriage to last the test of time AND be happy with the person you are married to, it’s going to take time and effort. Here are a few tips on how to keep your marriage healthy!
- Prioritize time with your spouse: For us, this might mean a quick parts run to town, checking a group of cows together or prepping lunch for the next day. We’re lucky, most of the time, that we get to work together on the farm, but that doesn’t mean the priority during the day is quality time together. You have to schedule it or there will always be something more important.
- Do the little things: Life is crazy, but we have to remember the things that our spouse likes and do those things, even when they aren’t doing it for you.
- Laugh with your spouse: Don’t laugh AT them, laugh with them. I’ve started doing a joke of the day with my sisters, mom and My Forever. Normally, I can get a smile, if not a laugh out of Matt when he reads them! Laughter is so good for our souls. Find more reasons to laugh together.
- Make a list of the things that stress you out: My Forever and I have a list for each other of the things we need from each other daily, weekly and monthly in order to be the most fulfilled. When My Forever gets really stressed, we also sit down and make a list for the farm – jobs that are in his head that I don’t know about, but once they are on paper, I can accomplish them for him.
- Look for the good in the other person: This is so hard when you’re mad! I get it! But you have to believe that you are married to a good-willed person and they aren’t trying to intentionally hurt you. They may not even know what you need or want. Men think so much different than women. Be honest with your spouse when they hurt you. Tell them why. (Disclaimer-this is NOT for those abusive relationships. This is for the relationships that can be healthy. If you are getting abused, get out and get help!).
- Don’t be afraid of therapy: Even if your spouse won’t go, you go! When I was having anxiety, I chose a therapist that specialized in anxiety, but was also a marriage therapist. Matt never went with me. We focused on my anxiety most of the time and the reasons for it, but she also gave me some great marriage tips along the way. It’s important to choose a therapist you’re comfortable with. It will completely shape the way you think of therapy! Don’t think of therapy as weakness. It’s just like all the other things we get professional help for: taxes, physical fitness, investments, dentists, business coaches, etc. If you can’t afford therapy, try a church. Most pastors are trained in counseling or may even have a therapist on staff.
- Remember why you married your spouse: You loved them with all your heart at one point. Remember those times, remember the actions you did for them and do them again. Remember how long it took to get ready for dates. Remember what made you say yes.
Moral of the story: it’s easier to catch flies with honey rather than vinegar. It’s so hard, but do the things and see if your spouse doesn’t start reciprocating. It’s going to take time. You’re going to get frustrated at the lack of measurable results, but do it!
When you need somebody to vent to, make sure that person is pro-marriage. Friends don’t have to be the same age or in the same life stage as you. The woman I call when I need a marriage vent session is older than me with three kids, but she loves me and I love her, she is pro-marriage (she will never tell me to leave Matt), she listens to me complains and sometimes gives me stuff I can do, but sometimes just listens to me then tells me it’s going to be okay. She encourages me as an individual, but also loves on us as a couple. Everybody needs a Jamie in their life! If you don’t have one, send me a message!
If you enjoyed reading this, we would love it if you would hit the share button and introduce us to your friends. You all are the reason we get to do this and we’re so appreciative of that! Please help us continue serving people by sharing us with your family and friends! Leave us a comment and let us know how this has impacted your life. It’s the little things that make me so happy to continue doing this, such as a like, comment or share! Have you subscribed to the page so new blogs will arrive in your email automatically? Go to our homepage to do so! Please and thank you! And remember: You are loved, you are worthy and you are enough!
~Matt & Kelsey