marriage – Team Pagel

7 Secrets to Fix Marriage Burnout

You’re married. You’re thrilled. You’re so happy! Then life happens and the dishes start piling up, the laundry doesn’t get put away, your schedules rarely line up for date nights, the kids demand your energy. And your spouse gets pushed to the back burner, not because you don’t love them, but because you’re so used to them being there, you don’t need to worry about them. Then it becomes your new normal to go through life prioritizing other things and you wake up one day and don’t really know the person you’re married to.

Y’all I get it! I understand the burnout. It seems like something else is always more important. We are married to human beings. Those humans have their own emotions, their own stressers, their own “lists”. And sometimes our “lists” don’t match up. If you want your marriage to last the test of time AND be happy with the person you are married to, it’s going to take time and effort. Here are a few tips on how to keep your marriage healthy!

Prioritize time with your spouse: For us, this might mean a quick parts run to town, checking a group of cows together or prepping lunch for the next day. We’re lucky, most of the time, that we get to work together on the farm, but that doesn’t mean the priority during the day is quality time together. You have to schedule it or there will always be something more important.
Do the little things: Life is crazy, but we have to remember the things that our spouse likes and do those things, even when they aren’t doing it for you.
Laugh with your spouse: Don’t laugh AT them, laugh with them. I’ve started doing a joke of the day with my sisters, mom and My Forever. Normally, I can get a smile, if not a laugh out of Matt when he reads them! Laughter is so good for our souls. Find more reasons to laugh together.
Make a list of the things that stress you out: My Forever and I have a list for each other of the things we need from each other daily, weekly and monthly in order to be the most fulfilled. When My Forever gets really stressed, we also sit down and make a list for the farm – jobs that are in his head that I don’t know about, but once they are on paper, I can accomplish them for him.
Look for the good in the other person: This is so hard when you’re mad! I get it! But you have to believe that you are married to a good-willed person and they aren’t trying to intentionally hurt you. They may not even know what you need or want. Men think so much different than women. Be honest with your spouse when they hurt you. Tell them why. (Disclaimer-this is NOT for those abusive relationships. This is for the relationships that can be healthy. If you are getting abused, get out and get help!).
Don’t be afraid of therapy: Even if your spouse won’t go, you go! When I was having anxiety, I chose a therapist that specialized in anxiety, but was also a marriage therapist. Matt never went with me. We focused on my anxiety most of the time and the reasons for it, but she also gave me some great marriage tips along the way. It’s important to choose a therapist you’re comfortable with. It will completely shape the way you think of therapy! Don’t think of therapy as weakness. It’s just like all the other things we get professional help for: taxes, physical fitness, investments, dentists, business coaches, etc. If you can’t afford therapy, try a church. Most pastors are trained in counseling or may even have a therapist on staff.
Remember why you married your spouse: You loved them with all your heart at one point. Remember those times, remember the actions you did for them and do them again. Remember how long it took to get ready for dates. Remember what made you say yes.

Moral of the story: it’s easier to catch flies with honey rather than vinegar. It’s so hard, but do the things and see if your spouse doesn’t start reciprocating. It’s going to take time. You’re going to get frustrated at the lack of measurable results, but do it!

When you need somebody to vent to, make sure that person is pro-marriage. Friends don’t have to be the same age or in the same life stage as you. The woman I call when I need a marriage vent session is older than me with three kids, but she loves me and I love her, she is pro-marriage (she will never tell me to leave Matt), she listens to me complains and sometimes gives me stuff I can do, but sometimes just listens to me then tells me it’s going to be okay. She encourages me as an individual, but also loves on us as a couple. Everybody needs a Jamie in their life! If you don’t have one, send me a message!

If you enjoyed reading this, we would love it if you would hit the share button and introduce us to your friends. You all are the reason we get to do this and we’re so appreciative of that! Please help us continue serving people by sharing us with your family and friends! Leave us a comment and let us know how this has impacted your life. It’s the little things that make me so happy to continue doing this, such as a like, comment or share! Have you subscribed to the page so new blogs will arrive in your email automatically? Go to our homepage to do so! Please and thank you! And remember: You are loved, you are worthy and you are enough!

~Matt & Kelsey

How Do I Make My Marriage Better?

3 Tips to a Thriving Marriage

Throughout the month of May (and today!) we’re going to be delving into how to make your marriage better. Doesn’t every married person want just a little bit better marriage? Maybe making your marriage better means a complete 180 degree turn for you. Maybe that simply means a few new tricks and tips that you pick up to keep it strong. Each week (5 total weeks) there will be 3 tips each week. That’s 15 tips and tricks for those of us less skilled in math. And if I do say so myself: they’re pretty good tips whether you’ve been married 80 years of 8 days.

#1. NO PUBLIC SHAMING!

Remember the last time you were out with friends or just randomly at the grocery store and a couple starts fighting and bickering. It is literally the most uncomfortable thing in the entire world. Where do you look, what do you do, do you just walk away? It’s so weird! Matt is really good at only saying positive, nice things about me in public. He praises my intelligence and resourcefulness. It takes effort and it takes practice. It’s really easy to point out flaws and bring up old things, but do that on your own time. Your brain believes what you tell it. If you tell it (by telling all your friends) how great your spouse is, it will believe it. You don’t need to lie or embellish the truth, but make it a point to only say positive things!

#2. CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTS

Could I be anymore cliche? I know, I know. If you didn’t get this advice at your bridal shower, are you really married? It’s taken us 5 years, but I feel like we’re finally getting the hang of this. If it’s not important in 5 years, it shouldn’t be important in this moment. Do the socks on the floor require a 30 minute argument where you both storm off and don’t speak for 3 days or maybe a sticky note saying how much you love them and how much you appreciate it socks going in the laundry basket. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar

#3. TOUCH A LOT

My second top love language is physical touch. Contrary to what many believe, physical touch does not mean sex 24/7. I feel most loved when #myforeverpagel is using words of affirmation. I feel next most loved when he is holding my hand, when he has his hand on my leg while driving, when he puts his arm around me when we’re sitting beside each other. Y’all I’m all about that touch. There’s a lot of really interesting science behind how touch affects all of us mentally. We need and crave touch in our lives.

As always if you enjoyed reading this, we would love it if you would hit the share button and introduce us to your friends. You all are the reason we get to do this and we’re so appreciative of that! Please help us continue serving people by sharing us with your family and friends! Leave us a comment and let us know how this has impacted your life. It’s the little things that make me so happy to continue doing this, such as a like, comment or share! Please and thank you!

Date Night Ideas

When was the last time you and your forever went on a date night? Do you have a set schedule or just whenever it works? My Forever and I normally go with the whenever approach. We started doing a monthly date night that was planned by the other. (So you’re planning a date night every other month). Ideally, you would have a set schedule that the first Friday or second Saturday is your set date night. That doesn’t work in our lifestyle. We go when it rains, when we have to go on a parts run or when we can combine it with an event we’re already out for. I wish we could do the first Friday approach, but it just doesn’t work. So much of what we do is based on getting it done at just the right time so when it must be done, it must be done. With that said, we do a lot of in home date nights.

What should date night look like? However you and your significant other want it to look like! That’s the amazing part of planning every other one-you get to choose. We don’t have kids and we’re our own bosses so we have a lot more freedom than most. Don’t let your kids be your excuse not to go. I hear so often, “we can’t go on dates because we don’t have babysitting money”. Your marriage is much too important to let that be the case. Get creative! Find somebody in your kids’ classes or your church that will swap babysitting-you babysit for them and them for you so you both can go out!

Dates do not have to be expensive. Seriously, our best date nights have been free or very inexpensive. Dates do not have to be dinner and a movie/show. Once you have the kids out of the house, cook dinner with your spouse. Use the fancy dishes! Light a candle. Snuggle on the couch. Go walk, holding hands. Seriously Google has 5 million and one date night options that are virtually free or very inexpensive!

Ideally, Matt and I have date night once/week. To many, our dates aren’t dates. That’s the beautiful part-we don’t care what others think of our dates and you shouldn’t either. Checking cattle with My Forever is a real treat for me and I LOVE when we get to. Normally, we split and conquer with the cattle checking and when I simply get to ride around with him, it’s pure joy for me. I’ll call that a date night anytime. My marriage is my number one priority in my life. I want to wake up in 50,60,70 plus years and be ecstatic that I woke up next to My Forever. It takes work! I can’t coast and assume it will all work out. Just like anything we care about, it needs constant improvement.

Schedule date nights if you can. If not, make them happen when you can (at least once/month!) Don’t let the person you loved enough to give them the rest of your life, end up a roommate.

Fun Facts about Team Pagel

We started dating then we broke up. My Forever never quit “pursuing” me, but I wouldn’t ever say we were dating. So we were “officially unofficially not committed to not dating”. That’s what I would say. Anyway, he proposed the day we celebrated my Grandma’s 100th birthday. I didn’t have plans to go with him so I was in my party dress with no other clothes. I borrowed clothes and we went to go check cows or that’s what I thought! He proposed on a road we travel often now. We were engaged for 5 months. I wanted an outside October wedding. Yes, right in the middle of harvest! We decided on my Grandma’s hayfield, no matter how off the beaten path it may be. So I spent 5 months planning, while he played the supportive, ‘whatever you want dear’ role. When we got down to the wire, there were chances of rain. It was decided that we couldn’t set up the outdoor part the day before due to the chance of rain. (We had little square bales for people to sit on and they can’t get rained on or they are ruined). I was in charge of decorating the reception hall how I wanted it and he was going to set up in the hayfield the morning of the wedding. I didn’t see how he set up anything until I walked down the aisle of hay bales. There were so many small things he did! To this day, the comments we receive are 100% about how beautiful the ceremony was and how everything looked so amazing in the hayfield, not the 5 months of planning for the reception hall. This is life with him. He plans so little, but most everything comes out so perfect. It was all him and anybody he recruited to help him that morning (I’m still not sure who all helped). I always say we can’t ever get divorced because I had the wedding that exceeded my dreams and I have the most amazing mother-in-law a girl could ask for.
More wedding fun facts. Our DJ backed out on us 2 weeks before the wedding. Our minister backed out 1 week. We had virtually no pre-marriage counseling. My wedding dress cost less than my wedding band (not engagement ring, just wedding band). My wedding band costs less than Matt’s. (His was less than $250 to give you a reference). Big spenders over here. I wear my wedding band (not engagement ring-it’s much bigger and more dangerous on the farm) everyday to remind myself that I do in fact love the man that is yelling at me. My Forever picked out the engagement ring by himself. We didn’t talk about what I wanted beforehand. We didn’t talk about getting engaged really. I mean we weren’t even dating so why talk marriage? Quite frankly, I didn’t care what the ring looked like. Matt picked out the ring that he liked and made him think forever with me was a good idea. I love it. We picked out our wedding bands together after getting engaged. The wedding band is now not circular due to catching it in a gate and having Matt use his pliers to get circulation back in my finger. The ring has a story to tell and isn’t perfect, just like us and our marriage. I think about that every time I see it.
I call Matt, My Forever because it’s a great reminder when we’re fighting that we’re in this for forever and will get through whatever it is that we’re going through. The main reason is because he ended his vows (we wrote our own vows-and his were amazing and definitely made me cry) with…Together, Forever. It was the best!
My Forever rarely yells or raises his voice. He will let you know how disappointed he is simply by shaking his head and walking away. He won’t have a full on screaming fight with me, he will simply walk away. He rarely says anything he regrets because he thinks about what he’s going to say first. When he does, he apologizes.
I hate white socks. My Forever will only use a towel once, then it has to be washed. We have more “old” or everyday clothes than we have nice clothes. After almost 5 years of marriage, we still haven’t figured out a laundry organizational system (it literally still causes fights!).
We can keep hundreds of acres of crops alive and thriving, but can’t keep house plants or a garden alive. The two peace lillies I have are exceptions to that rule, but they tell you when to water them, so it’s basically cheating. And honestly, I’m pretty sure I killed one of those this winter.
Everybody that meets us will say Matt never talks. He’s a listener through and through. He can remember and repeat everything that is said. When it’s just the two of us, he never stops talking so its hard for me to remember when I thought he was quiet.
We hate mowing our yard. Enter the chickens that do a lot of that work for us so we don’t have to mow nearly so often. Plus, we don’t have insects.
We work together daily and haven’t killed each other yet. Yet is the key word. Kidding! In all honesty, we love our life and what we’re doing and there is no one I would rather be doing it with.

What are a couple fun facts about you? Let us know in the comments!