The romcoms all end with the happily ever after that occurs immediately after the hero and heroine get back together after one huge misunderstanding or miscommunication. Roll the closing credits.
If only, right? Marriage is all about the fights and subsequent making up. I’m really good at the fights and I’m really good at the make up sex, the step in between is the one that gets me.
Aren’t we all little girls inside that want our Prince Charming to sweep us off our feet every time and apologize and buy us flowers if not preventing the whole fight to begin with? In my world, this doesn’t happen.
If it’s not important in 5 days or 5 months or 5 years, then forget about it and move on. While I do pride myself that I’ve learned to let things go better than I used to or better yet, figure out a more creative way to accomplish my goals, I’m terrible at not fighting.
I want the fight. I want to know what he’s thinking. I want to know why he did what he did. I want the reasoning. I want to know! As anybody that knows Matt may guess, he doesn’t. He shuts down. He walks away. He refuses to engage with me and it pisses me off more.
To him, I think, walking away, refusing to engage is his way of avoiding saying things that are hurtful. It’s a way for him to get away from conflict, think about what just happened and figure out a way to solve the problem without ever having to talk about it again.
Him walking away to me is the biggest rejection in the world. It means to me that he doesn’t care enough to talk to me and explain. It signals to me that he has more important things to do. It means to me that I’m not important. It means to me that I’m not enough for him.
On October 12, 2013, I vowed in my Grandma’s hayfield in the middle of nowhere in front of our family and friends that I would love My Forever even when I didn’t like him. What I didn’t realize in my fairy tale wedding mind is how often I wouldn’t like him. How much he would unintentionally hurt me. How often we would disagree. How hard working together. How hard working with his family is. How hard setting aside boss and laborer day time titles to life partners at night is.
Nothing about our life and lifestyle is easy. I envy people, yes I know you shouldn’t be jealous of others, that have set work schedules. I envy people that spend the weekends with their spouses without having to check cows, mow hay and harvest crops. I envy people that don’t work as hard as Matt. I envy people that go on weekly date nights. I envy people that take all the holidays off.
I made my bed and now I will sleep in it. I’m not saying I don’t love Matt. Y’all I do. I absolutely love him with my entire being. I love him so much which is the reason I am left standing fighting with myself alone bawling because he walked away. My love is the reason I get up everyday and go to work for him. My love is the reason I try so hard to get his approval. My love is the reason I work 14 hour days on a regular basis. My love is the reason I pick up every sock that he leaves all over the house. My love is the reason I find creative outlets so I don’t explode from the stressful lifestyle we live. My love is the reason that I try, try and try again.
Love is an action, not a feeling. If I did what I felt like, Matt’s face would be a continuous black and blue blob from me punching him in the face 24/7. If love was a feeling, I would never haul another load of hay or pick up another square bale in my life. If love was a feeling, I would never work cows with them again. If love was a feeling, I wouldn’t work hours everyday to try and save the baby calf and have the cows be in the right pasture and have all the weeds/trees sprayed.
Love is doing all of those things, and more, because love is an action. Fake it until you make it. Summer is always hard for me because the amount of time spent on Kelsey’s list is about zero. The time spent investing in our marriage is slim. Long daylight hours mean long hours working outside and no time to do other things.
This is what I take through all seasons of life: this too shall pass. Whatever it is that you’re struggling with, it will pass. It is not the end all be all. Friend, I feel you. I understand that it absolutely feels like it is, but it’s not. It will pass.
I didn’t wear the white dress and have the wedding of my dreams to quit after a few years. I meant it when I said divorce isn’t an option. With so many of life’s important tasks, it’s not about what we’re feeling we should do, but rather the action we need to take to make it happen. It’s not fair and it’s not fun, but it’s what I will keep doing.
I’ll keep picking up the socks, working the hours and hauling hay because love is an action. I will like him a lot and I will dislike him a lot, but I will always and I mean always love him with every fiber of my being.
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~Matt & Kelsey
Spot on Kelsey!
Tracy
Thanks!