3 things to do when marriage is hard:
Do you ever have times that your marriage is a real struggle? It’s hard to communicate, it’s hard to be with the person and you definitely don’t want to be intimate with that stranger you married so very long ago?
Ya’ll this past week was a struggle! #myforeverpagel and I were not in agreement about anything. We had a lot happening on the farm with lots of uncommon and random things occurring that we had to deal with. We weren’t communicating past the necessary to get the work done. Everything he did drove me crazy!
If you’ve been married longer than 2.5 seconds, you’ve had disagreements with your spouse. You have been irritated with that person. Here’s the thing though, at some point, you vowed to spend eternity with the person that you currently cannot stand. At some point you loved them enough to want to be with that person the rest of your life.
Matt and I are both in this marriage for the long run. Divorce isn’t an option for us. (I always want to put the caveat in here that I do NOT mean marriages that are abusive-protect yourself!) We have agreed that we really mean forever and will work through the stuff that life hands us.
This week it was a struggle. Some weeks, marriage seems easy. This week it wasn’t. I cannot change Matt. I cannot change how he reacts, how he misses my subtle, and not so subtle, clues that I need his help with something, how he loves this farm so much I can’t get him away from it and I shouldn’t want to.
What I can change is me and how I approach weeks like this. I’m not perfect and not claiming to be. We’re working on year 7 of our marriage. I’m finally figuring out how to approach things differently to get different results. (I’m pretty slow). But when weeks like this happen, these are the things I do to bring the focus off my frustration and anger and to more positive emotions.
1. Podcasts/Audio Books
I’m so thankful I was introduced to podcasts/audio books. There is one for literally everything out there from marriage, business, comedy and everything in between. We get so bogged down in our lives, I sometimes forget to look outside our close circle. Podcasts help me do that. Sometimes I listen to a silly one or maybe a myth busting one or maybe a motivational one or sometimes one that is simply nonsense (think reality tv in the form of a podcast). They change my perspective. They encourage me to look out. They encourage me to ask for what I need. They encourage me to ask him what he needs. They encourage me that this too shall pass.
2. Writing
Writing is such a powerful tool for me. If I have paper available and can write all the things that frustrate me currently with my dear Forever, I do it. I write everything I can think of that is making me mad. Everything he’s done or not done that I think was faulty. Everything that nobody in the entire world except him does. Then I look at it. I read it. And then I breathe in and out, slowly. Then I go through each of them and ask myself how I affected that response in him. What part I played to get him to do/not do what he did/didn’t do. How could I react differently next time? How can I proactively change what I did so we don’t have to be here again. Then I rip it up into very tiny pieces. Piece by piece I force myself to let it go. Every rip is a new start. Until that paper is just tiny smithereens of the original piece. Then I throw it in the trashcan, breathe in and out and smile. Then I move on.
3. Sex
Gasp, no. Absolutely not. I will not have sex with someone that treats me with no respect! (Again I speak of healthy marriages, not abuse situations). Chances are, in my marriage, I’m more upset than he is 99.9% of the time. Chances are he doesn’t know 50% of the time how upset I am because he simply doesn’t think like I do. I’m normally up later than he is. Before he gets comfy when I’m upset, I always try to have a conversation with him, explain why I’m upset and see how his perspective differs. After he goes to sleep, I like to wake him up in creative ways. It’s a symbol of my acknowledgement of knowing that I had a part in our fight and that I’m committed to the marriage and will show him in the way that speaks most to him.
Marriage is hard. This week it was extra hard for us. Next week will be better or maybe it won’t be. What I do know is that we will get through it and find a way to be happy again. What do you do when you’re upset with your spouse? Share your tips with us and how long you’ve been married!
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~Matt & Kelsey