Category: Marriage

You remember last week when we talked about struggling with our marriage? How some days are easy and others are incredibly hard? This past week has been much better on the marriage front; however, I’ve been a real not nice word a lot this week to #myforeverpagel.

In the marriage vows I wrote and swore to for Matt, I promised that I would screw up, but I would apologize. Y’all that is hard! But so absolutely necessary.

Matt is so good at apologizing for his wrongs and I need to get better. It takes me a while to get to the point of realization that I need to apologize, that it was my fault or my bad. Here are the four things that I include in my heartfelt apologies.

#1: I’m sorry

Yes, that’s right. I say, “I’m sorry.” And I mean it. I don’t say those words unless I really am sorry.

#2: Explanation

This is the part that Matt really loves, talking about our feelings. Some people think saying only I’m sorry is best. Don’t explain, don’t reason out your behavior, don’t make excuses. I don’t agree, at least in the marital realm. I’m gonna be with this man for, God-willing, a lot of years. I don’t wanna have the same fights over and over and over again.

By the time I’m saying I’m sorry, we’ve both cooled down. I explain why I reacted the way I did (emotions, hormones, feelings and perspective all have a lot to do with the reason I react the way I do). I tell him the things that were going through my head. I put it out there so we can both learn from it.

#3: Say I’m sorry again

After saying I’m sorry, explaining why I reacted the way I did (not blaming, not rationalizing how I was really right, simply explaining my head space), I conclude by saying I’m sorry again. Then we have incredibly hot makeup sex and live happily ever after and only have pretend fights so we can have makeup sex. Not really. You already know my stance on fairy tale marriages– there is no such thing.

Both of us are two individual human people. We’re going to think differently. We’re going to act differently. That doesn’t make either of us evil. It makes us human. It’s easier to apologize and move on than it is to hold a grudge and start resenting the other person. The last part of an apology and the part that I struggle with most…

#4: Let It Go!

That’s right. Move on. Do not revisit this. Do not bring it up in next week’s fight. Do not get 4 years down the road and say that one time you did this terrible thing to me. NO! It’s resolved and fixed. It is done. It doesn’t go in the history book to revisit. It gets forgotten. The apology has been made and accepted. The end.

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The final week of 3 tips to make your marriage exceptional:

Throughout the month of May on #marriagemondaytpstyle, we’ve been giving 3 tips per week to a great marriage. Marriage is hard work and we need to fill our tool bags with useful habits that can make it a little easier.

This last week of tips are some of my favorite. They are ones that I don’t have to work so hard at.

#1: Quality Time

Who has a stack of dishes in their sink, dishwasher full of clean dishes that haven’t been put away, 432 stacks of laundry to be washed, dried, folded or put away? Who has dirt on their floors, bathrooms that haven’t been scrubbed or a desk that is overflowing with paperwork that needs done? Please don’t say I’m the only one!

This tasks are terrible to me. Should anyone ever want to torture me, just have me do these things. It’s easy for me to set them aside to spend quality time with Matt. They don’t bother me until they get really bad. Especially this time of year with the long days and growing season for most of our crops, we work really long days. Rainy days are a blessing both to our crops and also to me. They signal a day of “me” time. They signal a chance for me to accomplish things on my list. I encourage you to forget about all the to do list items and spend a little time snuggling with your partner. Those chores will always be there. Don’t neglect the person you love, because you have to get those things done right now. Guarantee the quality time is WAY more important than making sure your house is spotless.

#2: Remember your memories

The other day I was deleting voicemails off my iPhone. On a side tangent, why do the messages that are deleted come back? It’s so frustrating, I can’t get them to delete permanently! Anyway, I thought I had it figured out. I have 4 saved voicemails that have transferred to about 4 phones with me. Two are from my sister and two are from Matt. I don’t listen to these messages very often (like maybe once a year), but when I do they melt my heart.

Matt never leaves me voicemails anymore. If I don’t answer, he simply texts me to tell me what he wants. The two that are saved are from when we were dating. One was simply to tell me good night and that he missed me. The other was after a fight we had. Y’all those are the most precious to me.

It’s so easy to forget those dating memories or early marriage memories. It’s easy to get caught up in everything he’s doing wrong and how many socks you find around the house. Take the time to remanence. You love this person with all your heart. Go back and visit those precious days of first getting to know each other.

Don’t throw these days in their face in the middle of a fight. “You used to leave me sweet voicemails, but you NEVER do that anymore”. Don’t do that. Those are fond memories that started your happily ever after. Give them justice. Don’t forget them. Write them down. Remember your beginning.

#3: Take and Make Requests Seriously

Matt and I work together. He makes requests of me all day long every single day. Often we abuse our partners. We hurt the ones we love the most. We request things be done all the time. We get mad when they aren’t completed.

Make your requests serious. Don’t ask them to help you with every little thing that can be done yourself. Make requests that you need done to be a better person. Take the requests that you get asked seriously. Don’t blow them off because you don’t want to do them. Your spouse is your partner in life. If you asked your business partner for something and they blew you off, you’d be upset. Don’t blow your partner off. They love you and need your help.

Make and take requests very seriously. Your partner is asking for help. Help them.

As we wrap up this series of quick tips to making marriage better, what was your favorite tip? What did you take away? What are some tips that weren’t listed that are beneficial in your marriage?

If you enjoyed reading this, we would love it if you would hit the share button and introduce us to your friends. You all are the reason we get to do this and we’re so appreciative of that! Please help us continue serving people by sharing us with your family and friends! Leave us a comment and let us know how this has impacted your life. It’s the little things that make me so happy to continue doing this, such as a like, comment or share! Please and thank you!

The next three tips to a thriving marriage:

Did you miss part 1, part 2 or part 3? You can go read them here if you want to catch up. While not necessary to this blog making sense, you don’t want to miss the 9 tips mentioned in them.

#1: Cleanliness

We are 5 1/2 years into our marriage at this point and we still do not have a laundry organizational system that works for us. We fight about the dishes that don’t get put in the dishwasher. We fight about the dirt that rarely gets swept up. Cohabitation with another flawed human being is so freaking hard.

What I encourage you, and myself, to do is let go of the little things. Have a conversation with your spouse and see what bugs them. Matt likes the floor swept and things put away. But above all, he likes clean clothes. When I only have limited time, I prioritize those things. We’ve also had a really honest conversation about this is not 19th century. I am not a housewife. I work right alongside him on the farm. We both live in this house. We will both clean up. It ebbs and flows, but it is a joint effort inside and outside.

#2: Keep Secrets

What?! Keep secrets? That’s right my friend. Keep the mystery alive. We need to share 99% of our day with our spouse. But it’s also important to keep a little withheld. I’m not talking the big important stuff. I’m simply talking about little things. Matt doesn’t see me go potty. The end. Mystery alive. Your spouse doesn’t need to know all.

#3: Let It GO

Your welcome for getting that song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. It’s so true, though. All the things. Let them go. We got the advice at a bridal shower, if it’s not important in 5 years, don’t make it important in the next 5 minutes. That’s WAY easier said than done. Seriously. Life is so fleeting. Quit letting the little things bother us so much we become bitter. I’m all about having open and honest conversations about how him leaving his socks all over the house drives me bat shit crazy. I’m not all about letting it become a thing that I get super bitter and upset about and it ruins my day. It used to. But no more. I ask that the socks find their way to a laundry basket, but don’t let it drive me crazy. You must believe your spouse is a good-willed person and wants the best for your marriage. Quit trying to sabotage your marriage by holding on to things your partner doesn’t even know are issues.

If you enjoyed reading this, we would love it if you would hit the share button and introduce us to your friends. You all are the reason we get to do this and we’re so appreciative of that! Please help us continue serving people by sharing us with your family and friends! Leave us a comment and let us know how this has impacted your life. It’s the little things that make me so happy to continue doing this, such as a like, comment or share! Please and thank you!

The next three tips to a thriving marriage:

Did you miss part 1 or part 2? You can go read them here if you want to catch up. While not necessary to this blog making sense, you don’t want to miss the 6 tips mentioned in them.

This week is all about marriage healthiness. The three tips we’ll go through this week focus on how to have a healthy and happy marriage through simple adjustments you can make in your everyday life.

#1: Walk and Fight

If you are a human, you’re going to argue and disagree about something. #myforeverpagel and I work together in a high stress environment. We have differences a lot. I like to work through conflict to get to an end game. Matt likes to avoid it and doesn’t see how talking about it makes it any better. This leads to me getting super upset and him shutting down completely. Instead, the next time an issue comes up, we’re going to walk and fight. The physical exercise will release endorphins which are feel good hormones into your system. You’ll be able to get through the problem, probably with a lot less drama, and quicker. Plus, you will have moved your body. After coming to terms with the fight with each other, you can go move your body in another way. 😉

#2: Cook Together

The last time we went on a date, we tried a different restaurant than we normally go to. It ended up costing us close to $35 for two entrees. The really sad part was we didn’t enjoy the food. We could have made what we had at home a lot cheaper and better. We’re not great chefs. You are going to feel a lot better individually if you are fueling your body with delicious, homemade food. Our bodies haven’t adapted to the processed foods as fast as we’ve progressed to these foods. We need to make it a habit to eat our own cooking. Make it a game. Pick out a new recipe together, get high quality ingredients and then have fun making it at home. Put on some romantic music, get out the wine and have fun. Feed each other morsels as you’re cooking. Unless your kitchen is gigantic, you’re going to be brushing up against each other as you move around preparing and cooking. Even if this doesn’t lead to the bedroom, your body will thank you for taking the time to do it.

#3: Financially Healthy

Money is one of the leading causes of divorce in America. Don’t let that be you. We have already done a whole blog post outlining how we feel about money. Matt and I fight about a lot, but money isn’t on that list. We are totally on board with each other about how we want to spend our money and what goals we’re saving for. If saving money is difficult for you, make a reward. Once we get to be debt free and have $1000 saved, we’re going to _______. Fill in the blank for your situation. I hope the answer isn’t to go blow it on something meaningless. Maybe you take an adult only romantic weekend away. Maybe you take the kiddos to see a movie in the theaters. Whatever it is make it something that you aren’t willing to derail by going out to eat for lunch everyday. Make it something you’re willing to stop getting your morning Starbuck’s for. Make your why important. Then don’t quit. You are worth it. Don’t let money be the reason for a divorce. You two are much too important for that.

Two more weeks and six more tips to go. What has been your favorite tip so far?

If you enjoyed reading this, we would love it if you would hit the share button and introduce us to your friends. You all are the reason we get to do this and we’re so appreciative of that! Please help us continue serving people by sharing us with your family and friends! Leave us a comment and let us know how this has impacted your life. It’s the little things that make me so happy to continue doing this, such as a like, comment or share! Please and thank you!

The next three tips to a thriving marriage:

Last week we talked about the first three tips to making your marriage better (no public shaming, choose your fights and physical touch. Go read it here.

These three tips are all about self reflection so that we can be the best for our spouses.

#1: Alone time

I am the queen of interrupting alone time. Matt is the king at allowing too much alone time. Somewhere we need to meet in the middle. Alone time is SO freaking important. We need time alone with our own thoughts in order to thrive. It’s really hard to transition from working together on the farm and Matt being more of a “boss” to being at home where we are partners. Farming is extra hard to leave work at work. Matt needs some space and time to simply do nothing when he gets home. Honestly, I think he scrolls through facebook and craigslist. It’s “his” time to get his mind away from the farm and into husband space. So often I interrupt this time and get a distracted husband the rest of the night. If I simply let him have his time, it works out better for both of us.

Have a conversation with your spouse and ask what they need in order to be present when they get home. Maybe it’s parking down the street for 10-15 minutes so when you pull in the driveway, you are ready to be family oriented.

Whatever you do, don’t abuse this time. Set a timer on your phone and stick to it. When your time is up, be ready to be present.

#2: Friend Time

Surround yourself with friends that value marriage. Friends that when things are going really crappy in your marriage and you want to do nothing but complain about your husband, your friends are going to be the one that says no. They support you, but support marriage too. It’s not a husband or wife bashing party when you get together. They are there to support you in the good times and bad.

#3: What do you need more of?

What refreshes you? What do you need from your spouse in order to have more of that? For me, I love writing. Matt is super supportive of my taking Sundays mostly off to write and schedule posts for the blog. Writing makes me relax, makes me happy. What makes you feel that way? Have you asked your spouse to help make that happen more often for you? Turnaround is fair game? What does your spouse need? How can you help? We are all so busy doing everything. What needs cut out so that we can do more that refreshes you? Make the hard choices and I promise you will feel better.

If you enjoyed reading this, we would love it if you would hit the share button and introduce us to your friends. You all are the reason we get to do this and we’re so appreciative of that! Please help us continue serving people by sharing us with your family and friends! Leave us a comment and let us know how this has impacted your life. It’s the little things that make me so happy to continue doing this, such as a like, comment or share! Please and thank you!

Growing up, my sisters and I were the first ones on the bus to school and the last ones off. We spent a lot of time in tractors as my parents worked. There was lots of riding around time before being big enough to drive anything. We did a lot of reading. I love reading. Maybe it’s just the books I choose, but most of them go the same way. The classic Cinderella story — boy meet girl, fall in love, have a huge problem that gets fixed, then they live happily ever after. So few of these stories talk about life after marriage. It ends with the happily ever after.

Maybe it’s just ours, but marriage is hard. Not just hard, but freaking hard. Every single day is work. I’m a very imperfect being and I’m married to an imperfect being. Why do we read our children stories of happily ever afters being easy? Nothing about marriage is easy. Little girls dream of their wedding day for years. We plan everything out. Every wedding we go to, we can’t wait to be the girl in the cliche white dress. We want to have our day. The day everyone is cerebrating us and our princes. Then the happily ever begins.

The socks get left all over the house, the toothpaste is left in the sink, the toilet paper is never replaced, dishes don’t make their way to the dishwasher, laundry piles up, the floor always needs swept and bills, bills, bills.

I hope you grew up in a home that your parents modeled how to navigate all this and communicate effectively, but I’m going to guess with the divorce rate the way it is, there are several of us that weren’t taught how to navigate the happily ever after.

We think that the wedding is the biggest day of our life and that is simply not true. Our stories do not end with the wedding day like the stories do. Our story begins with the wedding day. We shouldn’t disillusion our children that marriage is easy. I’m not a parent. I’m an aunt that loves my nieces and nephews to pieces. But I am not a parent. Period. I cannot and will not tell you how to raise your children.

Should we become parents someday, our babies will be taught that the happily ever after doesn’t exist. Period end of subject. Does not exist. Everyday is a struggle. Everyday is a choice. Life is not a fairy tale.

Does that mean our hypothetical babies won’t believe in love stories. Absolutely not. My hope is that we model real and true life. We model good days where things go smooth and smiles and good attitudes are easy. I hope we model bad days where frowns and bad attitudes are present. I hope we model sad days that tears flow freely. But most of all I hope that our still hypothetical babies see that their parents aren’t living a fairy tale. They are living the life that we chose. Everyday is a choice. Everyday is a day that we wake up and decide that no matter what goes on, we will love each other through it and work through any and all problems together.

We can’t and won’t tell you how to raise your children, but I strongly encourage you to be real with your children and not disillusion them with fake stories that sound good in story books, but don’t work in real life.

If you enjoyed reading this, we would love it if you would hit the share button and introduce us to your friends. You all are the reason we get to do this and we’re so appreciative of that! Please help us continue serving people by sharing us with your family and friends! Leave us a comment and let us know how this has impacted your life. It’s the little things that make me so happy to continue doing this, such as a like, comment or share! Please and thank you!

My Forever and I have been married for over 5 years at this point. (We got married in October 2013, just in case you’re reading this after original post date.) Our jobs are the farm, so we work together daily. We farm with his family. Him and his father make a lot of the managerial decisions. I’m really just hired help with a healthy dose of attitude and opinions most days. Some days I really struggle with the number of hours I work to further My Forever’s dreams and the lack of input that I get into making decisions. But here’s the thing…and I have to remind myself of this constantly…I’m CHOOSING to be here and doing what I’m doing. My Forever loves to tell me to do whatever I want. He is not holding me hostage and keeping me here. I want to work alongside him. I want to be there for him. But, life is hard. I get bitter about being left out of decisions. I get bitter about finding out things second hand because he’s forgotten to tell me.

Life is stressful. Days are long. Stress is high 100% of the time. I’m actually stealing away a few minutes to write this blog before headed to go work the rest of the day. If I don’t make time, it doesn’t happen. I can guarantee that My Forever wouldn’t be upset about me taking the 20 minutes it takes to write this, so that I will work much later at night. We’ve finally reached the point that we’re beginning to understand that BOTH of us have things that bother us. If we simply allow the other to tackle that particular thing, we can be more present when we’re together.

Back to the topic. Life is stressful. How do we work together and not severely hurt each other? Ready for this? This is our secret. Okay, here it is. Sex. Yep, good and regular sex. I’m a big advocate of sex in marriage. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? I made My Forever commit to me before he got my body. Once he said, together…forever, in our marriage vows on our wedding day, I was his. Sex is a beautiful thing between two married people that have committed to eternity through hell or high water.

We try living the intimacy lifestyle that I believe was coined by One Extraordinary Marriage. (Listen to their weekly podcast for some marriage tips from a couple that has been married 20 plus years.) Our intimacy lifestyle is designed around sex twice a week with him initiating one of those times on his days and me initiating on one of my days. We have the week broke up so we know. There is enough uncertainty in our lives, love making should not be one of them. Nobody likes to be rejected. Therefore, with each of us being on board with sex at least twice a week with each of us initiating once each week, there is little room for rejection.

Ladies, can I talk to you for just a hot second? Sex should be fun. Sex shouldn’t be something we avoid or withhold because we’re punishing our husband. Love making doesn’t start in the bedroom for me. It starts in the morning when My Forever tells me good morning. When he texts me as we’re working in the same field, but in different tractors, and tells me I look good. It starts when he holds my hand as we walk to the truck to haul hay. It starts when he asks me how my day was when we get it home. It starts with a back rub, thanking me for my hard day of work. Sometimes I have to use up some extra words I have and he has to listen to me for a while. But the thing is, Matt had to learn this about me. Men think so much different from us women that he had to learn to understand how to get me present when he was ready. I had to tell him very plainly with my words what I needed throughout the day so I was ready for him at night or morning or noon, whenever. We work together, we have that freedom. Women, we have to tell them in words so that they understand what we need in order to give to them. We cannot assume they know, just because it’s in our heads. I can guarantee they don’t! Give them a break and tell them exactly what you need! In and outside the bedroom. Don’t leave it to guesswork. You’re marriage is WAY too important to do that.

Figure out what works for you and your lifestyle. We could talk for hours on the health benefits of sex for both partners, but this is long enough already. Seriously, sex should be an essential part of your marriage that neither partner withholds. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of! If there are too many hurts to get through on your own, go to a counselor. We hire personal trainers at the gym, life coaches, business mentors, etc, but therapy is considered for the weak. That’s not true!! The most accomplished and brilliant people believe in therapy. Do not be ashamed to go to counseling.

Do you remember that second at the alter on your wedding day that you looked at the person that you were vowing to spend forever with in front of all your friends and family, and you literally felt like you were breaking because of all the love you felt for this person. Don’t let life and stress take that away from you. Fight for your marriage. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Marriage is really really hard work, but so worth it!